Monthly Archives:: November 2011

What I Have Learned in 20 Years of School

1. Eli Whitney created the cotton gin. This was only crammed into my brain every single year until I was about 16. For some reason the school system does not believe in teaching history after the year 1900, so I never really learned any of the more recent events. And anything other than the cotton gin I just simply do not remember, or I didn’t pay any attention.

2. Little red-haired boys are mean. I was terrified everyday of preschool because of the little freckled monster and his blondie best friend.

3. I do not like gummy worms. In first grade, the teacher gave us gummy worms often as a treat or for doing good work. I discovered I disliked them, and because of my fear of any form of confrontation (yes, my social anxiety started at a very young age), I would not tell her that I did not like them, and so I built a pile of uneaten worms inside my desk. One day, the boy sitting next to me, JB, noticed the mash of colorful goodness going stale inside my desk and decided to announce it while telling me how gross it was. I threw them away after that.

4. I am certain that “Achy Breaky Heart” is one of the worst songs ever. No explanation needed.

5. Lines such as “How about a nice cup of shut the hell up!”– my wonderful high school Civics teacher

6. You don’t have to be popular or prissy to be a cheerleader. I was one, and I’m not even cheerful. I did at one time have good abs, though. Those have since gone by the wayside. That doesn’t mean I can’t get them back, right?

7. You wouldn’t think it possible, but you can apparently tie in Tuesdays With Morrie to just about any assignment, including describing how you think Morrie would feel about a particular ethnic restaurant. I probably should have just turned in a blank sheet of paper because Morrie never got back to me about my inquiries.

8. It does not matter how much I try to accomplish, or what plans I make to study, chances are it just will not happen.

9. When you think you have done well, chances are you have done poorly. When you think you have done poorly, it could go either way.

10. Never start swearing angrily if you forgot to turn the loudspeaker off.

11. An instructor that will not yell at you for being unprepared, but will slap you on the arm for doing something good is an instructor that cares.

12. Procrastination really is not so bad. It teaches you to think on your toes, and work quickly toward a greatly shortened deadline.

13. When you are four, and embarrass your father because you refuse to “hop” at the Hop-a-thon in preschool (to the point where he never wants to attend school functions again), he will still be frustrated about it 20 years later.

14. A 1966 Plymouth Valiant is the greatest first car ever. And you will never lose it in the parking lot.

15. Never underestimate the possible dangers involved in dodge ball.

16. I’ve been pushed around a lot throughout my entire life. I have no advice on this, it’s just simply a realization that pisses me off a little bit.

17. Graham crackers and chocolate frosting are delicious.

18. Late night take-out at a university cafeteria was a great idea for insomniacs like myself.

19. There really is nothing like a freezing ten-degree walk clear across a campus at 8am to wake you up.

20. It really is okay to change your college major three times. By the time you graduate, you still won’t know what you want to be when you grow up.

Ugh… Ugg Boot Season Again.

Ugg boots. I don’t know that I will ever understand them.

I have some cheap, black boots with furry crap on the inside that I wear to shovel the driveway, or if I just need to run outside quickly but am being too lazy to put on real shoes. But no way am I going to spend $200 on a pair of fuzzy boots.

And I don’t care how warm and fluffy they feel on your feet. If you wear them with a miniskirt they are not going to keep your legs warm. And they are not going to prevent you from looking like an imbecile.
And then there’s the step down from simply furry on the inside to 4-inch hair completely covering the outside so that you look like a yeti.

Yes, I’ve seen at least two or three abominable snowmen wandering around this weekend. When the fur on your boots makes up about 70 percent of the material on your body, you look ridiculous.

In no way am I saying that I am an expert on fashion, because I’m not. I wear Beatles, Spy vs. Spy, and Transformers t-shirts with jeans and bright green running shoes. I’m not much of one to put a ton of thought into what I wear most of the time. I’m just different, but I do try not to look like a complete fool. So why pay so much to get that “I’m a complete conformist to “fashion” norms even though I look stupid” look?

I’d rather not have soggy, snow-covered hair surrounding my ankles all winter long, but if you feel so inclined, go for it. Join the yeti ranks in your leggings and puffy coat that is two sizes too small.

I think I’ll stick to being warm and covered when it’s ten degrees outside.